When one spouse has had an affair, their partner will understandably feel full of bitterness and anger. Talking about it is one of the best ways of dealing with these emotions until they have run their course. At first, talking may be extremely difficult without one of you becoming angry or  upset. While communication is critical, it is unhelpful for both of you to go over and over the same subject when you are distressed. Here are a couple of ideas that might help:

• Pick a time each week when you can spend an hour together without interruption. During this hour the person who did not have the affair can talk for the whole time without interruption about anything on his or her mind. Agree that the subject will not be mentioned at other times, as long as the person who had the affair listens fully without arguing, contradicting, or interrupting. This time should be set aside each week until the person doing the talking decides that it is no longer needed.

• Decide a time when you are both willing to talk through the affair. This may be very important for the person who did not have the affair who will have many questions. It is also important for the relationship, as until you have worked through this it will be difficult to put it behind you. In order to keep the discussion constructive it is helpful to agree a number of ground rules.

• Begin sentences with 'I' - talk about how events have made you feel, but don't begin blaming the other person.

• If you ask a question you need to take the time to listen to the reply. You may find some answers upsetting but it is still important to listen to your partner's answers without interrupting.

• Remember that your partner can control behaviour but not feelings. Don't launch into an attack if you don't like his or her answers.

• Answer questions as openly and honestly as possible. Don't say 'I don't know' if you really do know.

• If your discussion descends into an argument stop, as to continue will be counterproductive. 

As your relationship heals it will be important to continue to spend time talking to each other and simply relearning how to enjoy each others' company. Simply increasing the time you spend with your partner can be a great starting point.The average couple spends just twelve minutes a day talking to each other, making it much more difficult to have a close, loving relationship. If you have decided to continue with your relationship following an affair, the single most valuable step you can take is to begin communicating with each other - this means both talking and listening.

For more advice on how to begin repairing your relationship after an affair download our 139-page ebook Signs of Infidelity: the complete guide to uncovering and surviving cheating in your relationship.

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